Rethinking "Dating" Part 1

Over the past few weeks I have had the opportunity to revisit some of my favorite "dating" books throughout the years. Although many of them are filled with opinion and experience, while weeding through the jumbled mess I have had the chance to find spiritual Truths and challenges placed forth that have enabled me to "re-vamp" my perspective on the whole idea and notion of "dating". Before I explain, let me remind all of you that not everything I am saying here is "biblical" but rather what I believe to be an execution of Godly wisdom and maturity in my own walk with the Lord. I am going to write a couple notes about them taking from each book.

I KISSED DATING GOODBYE - Joshua Harris

I have come to understand that God's lordship in my life doesn't merely tinker with my approach to romance---it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently; He wants me to think differently---to view purity, love and singleness from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle and a new attitude. The basis of this new attitude is God's love for us. The word "love" is messed up by the world and has unfortunately been tainted so terribly that even Christians have fallen prey to a misunderstanding. Love to the world is an emotion, a romantic feeling, the thing that gives you butterflies in your tummy...but is that really what God says about it? Absolutely not. Love for the Christian is defined by a cross and a man who hung for the sins of this world...love for us is defined by God. For God is love. Our love for others therefore should be shaped by God's love for us. God's Word teaches us that if we truly trust in Jesus Christ, we die to our old way of living and we can no longer live for ourselves but now for God and the good of others. So that means that relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about "having a good time" or "learning what I want in a relationship". They are not about getting but about giving. "When I stopped worrying about whom I was going to marry and began trusting in God's timing, I uncovered the incredible potential of serving God as a single".

Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships. Although 'dating' in and of itself may not be sinful, it can encourage sinful behaviors. Here are some:

1. Dating Tends To Skip The Friendship Stage of a Relationship- "Dating encourages romantic expectations. In a true friendship you don't feel pressured by knowing that you "like" the other person or that he or she "likes" you back. You feel free to be yourself, and to do things together without spending three hours in front of the mirror making sure you look perfect. C.S. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal."

2. Dating Often mistakes a Physical Relationship For Love- "A physical relationship doesn't equal love. Many people believe that going out with someone means physical involvement. Physical involvement can distort two people's perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. God also knows we'll carry the memories of our past physical involvements into marriage. Physical involvement can make two people feel close. But if many people really examined the focus of their dating relationships, they'd probably discover that all they have in common is lust."

3.Dating Often Isolates a Couple From Other Vital Relationships- "By its definition, dating is about two people focusing on each other. Unfortunately, in most cases the rest of the world fades into the background. If we make our decisions about life based solely on the influence of one relationship, we'll probably make poor judgments."

4. Dating Can Distract Young Adults From Their Primary Responsibility of Preparing For the Future- :Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing---unless God wants you doing something else. One of the saddest tendencies of dating is to distract young adults from developing their God-given abilities and skills. Instead of serving in their local church, instead of equipping themselves with character, education, and experience necessary to succeed in life, many allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasize."

5. Dating Can Cause Discontentment With God's Gift of Singleness- "Although we don't sin when we look forward to marraige, we might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously doesn't have for us YET rob us our ability to enjoy and appreciate what he has given us. Instead of enjoying the unique qualities of singlenss, dating causing people to focus on what they don't have."

6. Dating Can Create an Artificial Environment for Evaluating Another Person's Character- "Dating creates an artificial environment for people to interact in. As a result, each person can easily convey an equally artificial image. Dating creates an artificial environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her positive or negative characteristics."

7.Dating Often Becomes an End in Itself- "It can seem like you're making something happen but you might just get into a holding pattern of one short-term relationship after another."

If you have dated all of these things probably ring true. I think that for far too long we have approached this whole dating thing like the world does and we need to stop wasting time and get a new attitude! But how do we change our attitude? We need to realize that every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love. We must practice God's love as He defines it by sincerely serving and selflessly serving others. We need to also realize that our unmarried years are a gift from God. When we learn to be content with friendship during the time God wants us to be single it frees us up for pursuing more effective ministry and deeper friendships. We also need to realize that we shouldn't even be pursuing relationships until we are ready for marriage! We need to know that we do not OWN anyone outside of marriage and if we end up breaking up and have behaved this way, we have stolen things from one another. We need to promise to avoid situations that could compromise the purity of our minds or our bodies. Where, when and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity. "Choosing to quit the dating game doesn't mean rejecting friendship with the opposite sex, companionship, romance or marriage. We can still pursue these things: we just choose to pursue them on God's terms and in His time."

So back to the whole idea of "love". "The world's deceptions flow from the belief that love is primarly for the fulfillment and comfort of self. The world poisons love by focusing first and foremost on meeting one's own needs." They look at love as a feeling that it is out of our control and we have no responsibility over it. God again defines love through His Son on the cross. Christ taught us that love is not for the fulfillment of self but for the glory of God and the good of others. True love is selfless. "True love always expresses itself in obedience to God and service to others." We need to remember that as Christians we bear Christ's name and we have the responsibility to show His love on this earth. "We can't love as God loves and date as the world dates!"

"Only by learning to wait and accepting the good with the bad do we truly attain those things that are worthwhile. And we can only determine the appropriate time for pursuing romance when we understand God's purposes for singleness and trust His timing for relationships. God wants us to appreciate the gifts of the present season of our lives. he wants us to learn the patience and trust necessary to wait for His perfect timing in all things, including our love lives." We have lost the biblical truth of seasons (Ecclesiastes). We can't skip ahead or rush experiences to get to the next thing. Just because something seems good doesn't mean we should pursue it right now...the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. We need to stop shopping around prematurely and realize that singleness is a gift from God. He has created this season in your life as an unparalleled opportunity for complete devotion. "Don't do something about your singlehood...do something with it!" "Waiting for God's timing requires trusting in His goodness and wisdom. We develop patience as we trust that God denies us what we think is good only because He has something better for us--both now and in the future. Do you really trust Him? When we define our happiness by some point in the future, it will NEVER arrive. We'll keep waiting until tomorrow. If we allow impatience to govern us we will miss the giftof the moment. We'll arrive later at the point in time we expected to provide fulfillment and find it lacking. Singleness is a gift. Let's rejoice in it and enjoy its opportunities today. Let's practice trusting God by pursuing His kingdom and His righteousness with all our hearts and leave the planning to Him. In this life we will not understand all He does. But we know that in the end His perfect timing will be revealed".

Do we live lives that foster purity?? "True purity is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise". Big sins don't happen overnight...look at David and Bathesheba...it happened one step at a time. We must remember that true purity flees fast and from any ounce of sin and compromise. Living a pure life however doesn't just happen...it requires the teamwork of "your heart and your feet...the path you take with your feet should never contradict the conviction of your heart". So if we have to fight for it what can we do: "Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy- Men tend to see the physical as more of an experience, woman say that kissing is our way of giving our trust and our love, our heart to the man we love...it leaves them vulnerable. If you are not married to someone you have NO claim on that person's body and no right to any form of sexual intimacy." Secondly we must set our standards high. "We can only attain righteousness by doing two things--destroying sin and cutting off any opportunity to sin. Cut of sin at its root. Physical interaction encourages us to start something that we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off. Tolerated sin is pampered sin--it grows and gains strength." And lastly, "make the purity of others a priority". Purity requires work but God gives us the strength and our love for him should fuel the passionate pursuit of righteousness.

So we want to start new, and rethink this whole "dating"? Well, first start with a clean slate. Repent of any sinful attitudes or behaviors you have in or towards relationships. Secondly we need to involve our parents/wise mentors as our teammates. We need their wisdom and accountability. Third, we need to establish clear guidelines, "Rules by themselves won't change our hearts, but once we've taken on a new attitude, protective guidelines can help keep us on course." Fourth, we need to see who is whispering in our ear. "Who and what you listen to, read, and watch will either encourage or conflict with your commtiment to pursue God's best in relationships. Whatever tempts you towards discontentment and compromise, don't put up with it!" And lastly, we need to season our conviction with humility. We need to use wisdom and humility to share our Godly conviction about relationships. "Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others".

Just Friends? We need to understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.. "We picture lovers as face to face, but friends as side by side; their eyes look ahead. The key to friendship i s a common goal or object which both companions focus."We need to be inclusive and not exclusive; including others and not just one on one all the time. We need to make the priority of having deep same-sex friendships. "There is a chance we are being lazy and selfish by avoiding these relationships that would cause us to grow in character." We need to seek opportunities to serve and not to be entertained. "What can you learn about someone while serving side by side with them?" We have to work and guard our friendships.

So how do we fight lust, infatuation and selfpity? "The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind. The time will come for all of us when we don't feel like doing the godly and responsible thing we have resolved to do." We need to protect ourselves form our heart's own sinfluness. Jeremiah 17:9 shows us just how wicked our hearts are. We need to consistently evaluate the purity of our hearts. "Infatuation can be a sinful response to attraction. Instead of making God the object of our longing, we wrongly direct these feelings towards another human being...we must reject the notion that a human relatiionship can every truly fulfill us." Secondly lust can destroy us. To lust is to crave something sexually that God has forbidden. We must detest it like God does in order to fight it. "We should seek to completely remove lust from our minds praying Psalm 51:10. " "Self pity is the worship of our circumstances. Self pity is a sinful response to the feelings of loneliness. We don't sin when we feel lonely or admit a desire for companionship, but we do sin when we use these feelings as an excuese to turn from God to exalt our own needs." So we have to keep our hearts on guard and remember it is He who sustains and strengthens us.

Redeem the Time You Have Now! "Even though we don't know the next step regarding our romantic relationships, we still have work to do. We have bad habits to get rid of, good habits to develop and character to build. We know that we have today to move with resolute energy towards maturity and Christlikeness. Our faithfulness in the small things now earns us the right to handle bigger responsibilities down the road. We cannot ignore our current responsibilities and expect to magically gain the strength of character and virtue that will make us good husbands and wives. If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationship we have now , we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later. Marriage won't transform us into different people, it will only act as a mirror to show us who we really are. So practice intimacy, practice seeking God with others, PRactice financial responsibility, practice parenthood, practice practical life skills. We prepare and develop our character so we can become as felxible and useful for Him as possible no matter what He plans for our future."

SO...What Matters at 50?? "As we consider what's important in a marriage partner, we need to get past the surface issues of looks, dress, and performance in front of others. Character is what you are in the dark when nobody but God is watching." So how do we evaluate someone's character? We examine it in three areas: The way the relate to God, the way they relate others (authorities, parents, companions, the opposite sex) and the way a person disciplines their daily lives (time, money and how they take care of their body). We also must look at their attitude and see their willingness to obey God, their humility, their industrialness (how they approach all work), and their attitude of contentment/hope.

"What I hope you see is that seeking to obey God and genuinely careing for others is far more important than what word we choose to use. The first priority of a guy and a girl is t o get to know each other better as individuals to gain an unbiased and accurate view of each other's true nature. We need to avoid doing and saying things that express romantic love. It will take patience and self-control not to express your feelings prematurely, but it is worth it. Song of Solomon 8:4 reminds us "not to awaken love until the time is right". If you really think about it, the need to blurt out our feelings is usually motivated by selfishness not by a desire to enhance the other person's life. It is always wise to seek to get to know the person better as a friend and seek God's guidance. During this watching and waiting we need to ask some tough questions..."Based on the character I've observed in our friendship, would I consider marrying this person? We need to wait on God and refuse to pursue romance until we get the go-ahead from...God's Word (seek His Word and will), Are you ready for marraige (spiritually, maturity wise, financially), Approval and support of parents or guardians, and God's peace. Then is the period of purposeful courtship. Men are to take the initiative. Men must honor her parents. Going the distance to give them the respect they deserve and put yourself on trial...invite the parents to ask pointed questions like what kind of plan do you have to support thier daughter? What kind of activities you plan on pursuing to win her hand in marriage? etc. No matter what response you receive from the girl's parents be humble enough to listen and honor them. God will bless you for doing so. Remember they've invested a big part of their lives in her. And God has placed them in her life to protect her. Don't try to circumvent their authoriity. Instead work with it and benefit from their wisdom. Then test and build the relationship in real-life settings. The next stage is engagement. Remembering always to reserve the passion for marriage."

"Someday you'll have a story to tell. How will you respond when one day you look back on your love story? Will it bring tears of joy or remorse? Will it remind you of God's goodness or your lack of faith in that goodness? Will it be a story of selfless ove, faith and purity? Or will it be a story of impatience, selfishness and compromise? It's your choice. I encourage you to let God write a love story with your life that you'll feel proud to tell."