More Than Friends, Less than Lovers...Courtship- Dating Part 4

What is your definition of a successful dating/courtship/relationship? "I believe that in a God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and WISE decision about marriage. In courtship our goals should be to grow and guard. We want to grow closer so we can truly know each other's character, but we also want to guard each other's hearts because the outcome of our relationship is still unknown." 2 Corinthians 1:12 sums it up, "Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God's grace." "Maintaining the priorities of growing and guarding make courtship something of a balancing act. You have the clear purpose to consider marriage, but you also need to fight the urge to assume you are going to get married. If we are too guarded, we won't move forward in the relationship; if we grow close too fast, we risk emotional injury or unwise choices later on. There's a tension you want to maintain. Just remember it is a good tension. If God leads you into marriage, you won't need to guard your hearts--you'll belong to each other completely. Enjoy it. Don't rush. Don't despise or hurry the in-between time of courtship, even though you often feel the tension. Instead, treasure the season. Balancing the need to grow and guard during courtship is necessary and fulfilling part of making the journey towards marriage wisely and with holiness and sincerity. We need to grow and guard in the areas of friendship, fellowship and romance."

FRIENDSHIP- "The first and most important thing you can do in your courtship is to deepen your friendship. Growing in friendship involves learning through conversation who you are as individuals. It's having fun together and spending quality and quantity time together. Look for ways to share the different parts of your life---the fun, the mundane, and the in between. Work together and play together AND serve side by side. The strategic question to keep in mind is: How can you let each other see the REAL you? The focus should be getting to know each other not on creating premature intimacy or emotional dependence. Don't grab for more intimacy than is warranted. The focus will change as mutual confidence and commitment deepens. You'll earn access to each other's hearts over time.

FELLOWSHIP- "IT MUST HAVE A SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION! For your relationship to be strong, love for the Lord must be the common passion of your hearts. Growing in biblical fellowship involves sharing with other Christians the most important aspect of our lives--the reality of Jesus and His work in us. It involves praying together as well as taking time to talk about what God is teaching you in your individual walks with Him. Another important part of fellowship is spurring each other on in righteousness. Guarding the fruit of true biblical fellowship means increasing your love and passion for the Lord, not your emotional dependence on each other. Your goal is to point each other to Him. Another part in guarding our hearts in fellowship involves making sure we're not trying to take God's place in each others lives. Remind each other to find your soul's satisfaction in God ALONE.

ROMANCE- "Growing in romance should only take place when friendship and fellowship are deepening. Men it is your privilege to be the initiators of romantic expression in our courtships. Giver her cards and write her encouraging notes. Give her flowers and tell her how special you think she is. The most romantic things a man can do for a woman are the little things that let her know that she's on his mind and in his heart. The goal is to tell the truth about the relationship. It doesn't serve a girl if a man's romantic expression is too far ahead or too far behind. When a man knows he wants to marry a girl, he can begin seeking to win her heart. God-honoring "wooing" is neither licentious nor manipulative. It's pure, it's sincere, and it's backed up by a desire for lifelong commitment. Romantic passion awakened without commitment can lead to sin and regret. "

So what about communication? "Authentic communication is a skill that takes time, effort, and determination to learn. It also takes humility. Here are some principles ...keep in mind our goals in a God-glorifying relationship which is treating each other with holiness and sincerity and to make an informed and wise decision about marriage.

1. Communication Problems are Usually Heart Problems- Our lips are merely the messengers of our heart. Our words flow out of what's inside of us. If our words are selfish, sinful and uncaring, it is because we are sinful, selfish and uncaring.

2. Your ears are your most important communication tools- Often the best thing we can do is keep our lips sealed. Are you quick to listen? Listening is an expression of humility and genuine concern for others. The Bible tells us that a fool "delights in airing his own opinions" (prov 18:2). Don't be a fool. Listen twice as much as you talk.

3. Good communication doesn't happen by accident- Communication is something that we have to plan for and work at. Men should assume the responsibility of initiating meaningful conversations in the relationship.

4. The absence of conflict doesn't equal good communication- Our goal shouldn't be to avoid conflict but to learn to work through it and resolve it in a God-honoring way. Here are some tips
a. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly but without attacking or accusing the other person (prov 11:9)

b. Choose words, expressions and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. (Prov 15:1)

c. Don't exaggerate, distort or stretch the truth. (Eph 4:25)

d. Give actual and specific examples...don't use generalizations.

e. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn't the goal--you want things resolved. (Romans 12:17-21)

f. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal or argument. (Eph 4:26)

g. Don't hesitate to acknowledge your own failure and be quick to forgive. Make sure you don't hold a grudge. (Luke 17:3-4)

h. Keep talking and asking questions until you both understand clearly what the other person is saying and feeling and encourage each other as you press on towards the solution. (Romans 14:19)

i. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing, in the right way at the right time for the right reasons.

5. Motive is more important than technique- Having a godly motive for your communication is key. He wants our motive to be to sincerely love and serve others. A Godly motive radically changes how and what we communicate in courtship. Instead of using words to gratify ourselves, we use them to glorify God and put the interests of others first.

You will guard as you make sure that you don't promise or imply deeper level of commitment or confidence in the relationship than you really have. As your relationship deepens and your confidence for marriage increases, you will want to begin discussing topics related to marriage. But don't get ahead of yourselves. You still need to guard.

You can't love what you don't know. You can't be truly loved if you're not truly known. And the only way to know and be known by another person is to communicate--openly, honestly, sincerely, humbly. So let's be courageous. We know what to do with our ears and our hearts and our lips."

We need to embrace our God given roles as men and women. Too often in today's society there is a mismatched confusion...a jumbled mess. Josh Harris asks the question, "If boys would be men, would girls be ladies?" I would say yes. "Before we can glorify God in our relationships with each other, we have to understand and embrace the unique roles God has assigned us as men and women.

For The Men...
"The world cries for men who are strong---strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer.

1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating your relationships with women- Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversations or activities, you're serving your sisters. A servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It means going out on a limb and proposing ideas, setting direction and inviting others to follow. It means listening, taking other's interests and needs into account and adjusting as necessary. It means deferring to others at times. Leadership isn't tyranny; it is service rendered.

2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.- Men should set the spiritual pace in the relationships they have with women. Men should be the ones to make sure that our relationships are deep and meaningful and not merely entertaining and superficial, but God focused and characterized by deep spiritual fellowship. Don't be content to be spiritually luke-warm so to speak but strive to be the example of what it looks like to passionately pursue the Lord.

3. Do little things in your relationship with women that communicate you care, respect and desire to protect. - Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. You do these things to bring God glory not merely to win someone's heart but because you desire to serve her as your sisters in Christ.

4. Encourage women to embrace Godly femininity.- We as men should be the biggest encourager's and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing Godly femininity.

NOW FOR THE GIRLS...
1. In your Godly relationship with men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.- It is a man's biggest temptation to be passive and a woman's biggest temptation to take control. You can encourage men to be men by refusing to do the work of leadership for them. With God's help you can do this! And when a man does lead encourage Him and thank Him, show Him you appreciate it.

2. Be a sister to the men in your life.- The first way you should view a Christian guy is as your brother. No categories of "potential whatevers". Be a sister to the Christian men in your life. Pray for them. Encourage them. Spur them on.

3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.- Please don't believe our culture's lie about motherhood. If God has placed that desire in your heart, don't be embarrassed by it. Don't hesitate to learn the skills that will one day allow you to serve a family.

4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.- If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy in to our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring. This is an attitude that springs from the motives of the heart and extends to the way you dress and act around men. Remember it is the "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4). Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you. Make godliness and inward beauty your priority.

The Bible points us back to the priority of the local church and our need for encouragement and strength from other Christians in EVERY part of life---including romance. So what do we need others for in a relationship?

1. Community reminds us of reality- Romance can cloud a person's view of reality. When our emotions and feelings are in gear, it is difficult to be objective. Invite reality checks and don't ignore what they reveal even if your flesh doesn't want to hear it.

2. Community provides protection- As men we should invite the Christian father into the relationship. We should ask permission to pursue a relationship with her and acknowledge his authority and leadership in her life. Don't try to undermine his leadership--honor it even if it means waiting longer or doing things differently than you have planned. As the woman, if you have a godly father involve him in this part of your life. Talk to him and your mom about the kind of husband you are praying for and get their counsel. Draft your dad as your personal boy screener.

3. Community provides accountability- Christian accountability is inviting others to help us live by what we know is right. It is asking them to challenge, to inquire and to question us so that our actions line up with our convictions.

Community allows us to multiply our joy. When we share something with others, we increase our own enjoyment. When you are growing in your love for someone, it's wonderful to watch your friends and family falling in love with that person too."