A Season of Harvest

I typically don't write blogs specifically about myself, although I guess everything I write in some way or another does pertain to something God is either teaching me or working in me, but this one is different, other than my testimony this one is probably the most personal and revealing blog that I have ever written yet it is something that I feel so compelled to share in prayer that it will encourage YOU! I must say that this is honest, straight-forward and about as to the point as I can be yet it is going to take a bit to explain so bare with me...

The past five months for me have been what I like to call my "season of waiting". I don't know where I got the name for that, why I even starting referring to my time right now as that but I think I said it once and it sort of just stuck with me. Let me explain, I looked at where I was (just graduated from college, single and having no idea about what God wanted next) and pretty much realized that I was no where near where I had planned, expected or maybe even wanted to be but I had a deep set peace within my heart that I was where I was supposed to be...according to the Master plan-maker aka GOD! There had been other times in my life in which I felt like I was having to be patient and wait but this one felt different and I couldn't quite grasp why. I wondered if maybe I was where I was because of the consequences of past sin and poor choices I had made, but even in knowing that those things happened I was reminded of Romans 8:28 over and over again and that quote by Jerry Bridges that says, "We do have a responsibility to make wise decisions or to discover the will of God, whichever term we may prefer to use. But God’s plan for us is not contingent upon our decisions. God’s plan is not contingent at all. God’s plan is sovereign. It includes our foolish decisions as well as our wise ones." Isn't that the truth...well for me it sure was, I had made a handful of decisions in the past four years that I was not proud of and yet somehow God continued to guide, direct and lead and BLESS me beyond comprehension; to say I was humbled is an understatement.

So when I first entered this "season of waiting" I was confused to be honest with you all. Although I may have had a smile on my face because of the deep set truth I knew there was definitely a confusion in my heart and mind as to why God had brought me where He had and as to what on earth HE was going to do with me. It was back in February that God began cultivating new and refreshed desires within me, ones that I couldn't explain yet ones that I would get so excited about, and still am today! The more I seemed to relinquish control, the more freedom I found. I soon realized that freedom was found in surrender at the foot of the cross; not that I hadn't known that or experienced that before, but I was experiencing it in a whole new way and I was amazed. I was so encouraged to see how God was working in me and I couldn't help but anticipate all that He had in store. Yet during that realization, God opened my eyes to something else, the fact that I wasn't in a season of waiting at all, but rather in a season of harvest. I was exactly where God wanted me to be and even when we aren't sure why we are where we are He has a plan in that season or place. Ephesians 2:10 then became an everpresent prayer on my heart. I knew that I was God's workmanship and that He had planned SPECIFIC things He wanted me to accomplish for His glory. And part of those things were right here, right now, in this season whether I thought it was where I was supposed to be or not. I began seeing opportunities everywhere and I couldn't even contain the joy I found in serving Him right where He had me...in being faithful to His placement.

For those of you who know me or have read my blogs a common theme of my life is trust and trusting God. I don't know why some of us seem to struggle with this more than others but this struggle has been one that I have battled from the moment I was saved. In my heart and in my head I KNOW that God is trustworthy, I mean come'on right?! But it is much easier said than acted out...what I mean is that knowing that we are to and can trust God is the simple step, but the actual trusting when you don't know where He is leading or why He is doing it is much tougher. There are many examples all throughout Scripture we have of men and women who were called to trust God and many who like me, struggled with it. Why is it so hard? I seem to always ask myself that question because I know in my head it logically makes sense to trust God, just for who He is. Yet in our own sinfulness we don't, it doesn't come naturally at all.

So back to this whole season and me trusting, so I know that for the past five months God has been teaching me two specific things that I KNOW I have struggled with continually in my walk with Him that I believe He truly is refining me in and I am so excited. One being the whole trust issue. For the first time in my life I truly believe that God has enabled me to surrender all of my hopes, all of my dreams and funnelled all of them into one as the song says "pure and holy passion"---To know and follow hard after Him! Matthew 6:33 has now become my verse for this time in my life, teaching us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well". Although I know that my passion has been that I have had many struggles and hindrances that have obstructed my perspective so to speak. The second thing God has really been teaching me is patience, funny how the two seem to fit with one another so well. I have tended to make many hasty decisions in my life and not only that but I have always been given everything I need and have really never had to exhibit patience in many areas; that has been something that has caused me to look at things as me deserving as opposed to God blessing. God has reminded me continually over the past sin in my life and over the last 5 months that patience is a part of my character that had neglected to be developed, and although I know it is no where near being perfected, that area of my life has been stretched immensely.

Now to the honest part of all of this as if that wasn't enough...the season of waiting I believed also included what many, including myself like to refer to as the season of singleness. That time in your life when God makes you wait for that right person to come along? Or at least that is the mindset I seemed to always possess. Being at Christian schools really didn't help me out in this area because you are constantly bombarded with terms like "ring by spring" or the "MRS" degree or maybe the fact that when you graduate college you better have not only a diploma but a fiance as well?! Although I might have laughed at all of this, I have to be honest in admitting that I bought into it and betted much of my heart on it as well...what I mean is I EXPECTED it for my life as I had seen it in lives around me. Yet when that reality didn't unfold in my own life I have to admit I was saddened and more so confused. I didn't understand why God had allowed me to get in the relationships I got into and why he didn't bless them or more why God hadn't just shut my eyes of until He brought about the right guy and that had better of been before I finished school! Although those words may never have come out of my mouth that was the attitude deep rooted within my heart and it was both selfish and sinful. I had again tried to claim the rule in my own life in this area and had failed to trust in the perfect plan of my good and loving Father in heaven...how foolish!

Over the past five months God has revamped my perspective on singlness, dating and marriage so much so that I for the first time ever feel as though I have freedom from the chains that were entangling me. Marriage had been an idol for me, as much as I didn't want to admit it, it was. A selfish and wicked heart had overtaken much of my interaction with guys in my life and manipulation, control and impatience overwhelmed my actions. I got involved in relationships and even pre-relationships that if I had only exhibited patience and selflessness in may have never begun, may have never encouraged sin and may have enabled God to receive glory rather than to have been spat upon. As much as I desired the Lord to return my desire to be a wife and a mom was on almost a level playing field. I justified my desire reminding myself that God gives us desires and good ones and marriage is a great and wonderful thing and that I couldn't just wish or pray it away. And truth be told I was willing to compromise just to get what I wanted. it is funny how the very things that we often think are best for us are often the things that are the worst for us...relationships for me were that. I idolized marriage and therefore idolized relationships when I was in them...they captivated more of my mind's thought, attention and action then the Lord did and in hindsight I see how utterly tainted my own perception of them was. I had taken much control into my own hands in the past and that control turned into allowing satan's lies to fester in my mind and heart. "God doesn't have anyone better". "Your standards are just too high God can't bring a man like that". "You aren't worth it". "God needs your help". "Go for it". "You can change him." Whatever the thought might be it was there and it was ringing loud and clear. Lies that led me to choose to either be like the nation of Israel in Exodus and keep marriage as an idol in my life, which I did until about 5 months ago, or lies that could motivate me to repentance at the cross.

Over the past 4-5 months I have fought those thoughts harder I think than I ever have had to and God has enabled me, through the TRUTH of His Word to battle them and to find my feet on solid ground that only gets harder; trusting Him and His perfect plan and praying MARANATHA Lord Come today! The thoughts have come less often as God has enabled me to say no to sin in that area, idolizing that is. Although my desires for a Godly man and a family have not faded they are no longer the forefront of my thoughts or my heart's desire because they are temporal and my goal is eternal. My pure and holy passion to know and follow hard after Jesus Christ consumes me from the inside out and captivates all of my heart's attention and my life's pursuit. I am in such a place of peace I can't even tell you.

God is working that is something I am sure of, He is working in me and I am so eagerly expectant of all He has in store. I long for His return more than I long for my own next breath! I cannot wait to see His face and be welcomed into perfect fellowship at His presence. But until then, I must focus on what He has entrusted to me now. I am not in a season of waiting but rather a season of harvest in which I must be faithful. He has put me where He has me for these very purposes...to make His glory known as I Spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Wherever He leads I will go, whatever the cost, whatever the task and no matter what it means...for He is my good and gracious Father, trusting all the while in His perfect plan.