But God...

I was privileged to grow up in a Christian home where I was blessed with God-fearing parents and the opportunity to attend a church and learn biblical truths at a very young age. I vividly remember "accepting" Jesus into my heart at four because of the fear of hell that I had. Throughout the next ten years of my life I strove to be the "best" and "perfect" Christian I could be. From the outside it appeared I was following the Lord. I did and said all the right things. However I remember "re-dedicating" my life time and time again because of the fear that I had lost my salvation and the fear of hell. My motivations for following the Lord were selfish and purely expressed outwardly. The praise and acclamation I received from those around me puffed up my pride and I gloried in myself and how great everyone thought I was. I had achieved what I thought was spiritual maturity.

It wasn't until I was 14 and doing a bible study with my mom that the Lord softened my calloused heart and opened my eyes to the reality of the Gospel message and what it truly meant to be a disciple of the Lord. IT was at that moment that I understood grace and true salvation. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,not of works, lest anyone should boast." Boy had I boasted before this...and all in myself. This passage resonated in my heart. All along I had wanted a savior, but not a Lord. I believed the Gospel, understood it, and even evangelized it, but I hadn't trusted and committed to it fully. I had asked for forgiveness but hadn't humbly repented of my sin. And my works or good deeds were not merely a by-product of the grace I had been shown as Christ worked within me, but rather had been a means to gain man's empty praise.

I had finally grasped my utter depravity and my desperate need for a Savior and Lord. I realized salvation was a gift and my response of thanks came in the form of Him strengthening me daily to deny myself and follow Him. Matthew 10:38 says, "And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me." From that moment on God has continued to do a radical work in and through me as I am sanctified daily. The sins I once overlooked, I now despise. Although I am far...far...from completion I see myself slowly changing through Christ's power. My desires have changed and I desire for Christ to be magnified and glorified in my life. As Ephesians 4 says, I pray with Christ's help I will walk worthy of the calling.

I am SO amazed at the gift I have been given and my prayer's that I would be used as a tool for His glory. I won't lie when I say this life as His disciple is difficult. It is a daily battle to deny oneself and follow humbly after Him, but it is so satisfying and fulfilling. The more I surrender and know and learn Him the more content I become. I am SO in love with my Savior and Lord and can truly say He is my everything and apart from Him I am nothing. Ephesians 2:4 says, "But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us..." That blows my mind!