Chosen and Kept: A Revising of my "Testimony"

"Jude, a servant of Jesus Christ and a brother of James, To those who have been called, who are loved by God the Father and kept by Jesus Christ: Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance." -Jude 1-2

I hesitated to write this blog in fear of causing question or false assurance on behalf of some of you reading this, but the encouragement and hope I believe it will bring to others has led the Spirit to compel me to share what has recently happened in my own heart and life. My prayer brothers and sisters is that you would be amazed at the power of Jesus Christ to SAVE!

I was privileged to grow up in a God-fearing home where from as far as I can remember I was taught Truth from the Word of God. Looking back in my life there was never a moment that I doubted God's existence, the Truth of the Gospel, and the very reality that apart from God's grace through Jesus Christ I was headed for eternal destruction in hell. Throughout my childhood I spent countless hours being spoon fed Truth both from my parents and Sunday school teachers, continually "believing". In the depths of my heart I longed to be with Jesus, I remember many nights praying fervently for the Lord to save me; whether it was out of fear of the judgment to come or the love that I had for the Savior I cannot say. As time continued I began to learn more and more about what it meant to LIVE like a Christian and I found myself being labeled as "different" or "little miss perfect" in school; pride settled into my heart. When I was 14 I remember sobbing as I prayed for the Lord to save me, I had seen yet again the wickedness of my own heart and was afraid that I was not His. What was going on? Was it possible to lose your salvation? That I didn't know, at least not at that point. I had heard stories of many people who lived for years as a Christian and then fell away never to return. Would that be me? I begged God for it never to be.

And then through the 4 years I spent in high school under the teaching of a God-fearing pastor I learned the sovereign power of God and the reality that He was the one, as the verse in Jude says above, who called me from BEFORE the foundation of time and He would be the one that would keep me until I went to be with Him in heaven. This new found Truth brought joy and comfort and exciting hope. I realized yet again that I was bringing nothing to the table to offer the Lord, and that although we were called to pursue holy and Godly lives, nothing I did or didn't do for that matter would ever change His love for me or my stance with Him; this was so refreshing.

Up until this point I had held to a testimony similar to that of many children who grew up in Christian homes. I remembered praying when I was young a "prayer" so to speak and although I know that that prayer did nothing to save me, I also knew that something had triggered that desire to pursue the Lord, the question was what. It was not until I was 20 that I began to "question" my testimony. I began to wonder why I couldn't remember an exact moment in time in which I went from death to live. Was I really saved I began to wonder? Had I had some radical change from the outward appearance? No, I hadn't, my life was never marked my promiscuity, or flagrant and rebellious behavior; but at the same time I was not born saved. So I began to search and review my past to find something to point to. I came across three periods; three distinct times in my life in which I vividly remember a turning point. But then the question became which one?

When I was four I remember a time of repentance and faith in which as a child I simply trusted that Jesus would save me. And then when I was fourteen I remember seeing my sin in a new light and the holiness of God and asking the Lord to please keep me. And then at nineteen after a serious trial and being put through the fire I remember experiencing the weight of the blessing of God's grace and mercy in a whole new light and the wretchedness of my own sin. So when was I saved? I began having questions from many people around me and a need to come up with some period if as to appease man. If I couldn't pinpoint it then something was obviously wrong. So after prayer and counsel I decided that it had to have been when I was fourteen. A weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders and I was comforted in some odd way because I now had a date, a moment in time.

And fast forward to today. Over the past three years I have met many Godly young people who came from families who loved and feared God, and many of whom also share in my experiences in the past. What I have come to find is many of them cannot pinpoint the moment God saved them forever. Although I initially found this odd since I seemed it would be SO evident when you went from death to life, the more I thought about it the more I began to question the testimony I had produced. Was I really saved at 14?

And then over the past six months or so I have wrestled quite intensely with this very topic, when did I become His? I have doubted at points my own salvation, but these past six months have brought more questions than ever before. And what I realized was that I was questioning because I had taken my eyes off the Savior and had put them on me. What a tragedy! Paul Washer spoke so much encouragement to me during a message I heard when he explained that our doubt sometimes found us when we had taken our eyes off the Savior and tried to look to ourselves for meriting the very salvation that we had never deserved. This was so true, this was exactly what I had been doing from time to time, how foolish! As Ephesians 2 says, for it is by GRACE that we have been saved and not by works so that NOBODY can boast!

And then in God's providence He allowed me to go the Resolved conference recently and here all about our precious and mighty Jesus! All I could do was stand in awe, I was humbled and encouraged in so many ways and I walked away with this one phrase, "HALLELUJAH ALL I HAVE IS CHRIST, HALLELUJAH , JESUS IS MY LIFE!" And then CJ Mahaney gave a great message, sharing his testimony (in which he has a moment in time conversion he remembers) where he spoke about the reality of God calling us, keeping us, and of course one day glorifying us with His Son. This is so exciting. The next day I listened to John MacArthur and he too shared his testimony and the reality that a conversion moment that you remember is no sure sign of your salvation and not having on does not negate your salvation. He explained that in the same way we don't show everyone our birth certificates to prove we are living (because we breath, walk and talk) we don't point back to some moment in time to prove our transformation but rather look at the life today, are you living, is there fruit?

I for the first time since I was 20 am back in the place of not knowing the moment that my believing went to saving. And I know that is okay because I didn't save myself, it was ALL Him! I did nothing to earn my salvation, I did nothing to draw myself to Him, I did nothing, it was all him. What I know for sure is that He called me from before the foundation of time and that at some moment in my life He unblinded my wicked heart and enabled me to desire Him, to repent and trust. And I know that it is He who will keep me until the day I see Him face to face. The question is what does my life look like now? What fruit is there evidencing I am His? This doesn't negate my pursuit of holiness and need to pursue righteousness but it does remind me of the power of God's grace and how undeserving I am. I am SO thankful for the cross of Christ, I am forever indebted to Him for the sacrifice He made, and all I can do is praise Him and live for Him. I love Him so much, words can't even express. And I praise God for the work He did in my life, for putting me in a family that loved Him, for enabling me to always "Believe" and for at some point in time unblinding my eyes to Truth and summoning me to Him, enabling me to respond and thus live wholly for Him.

So what is my testimony? My life, the work He has done from before my birth until today and continuing until I go home to be with Him. And my prayer is that my life would make Him look famous!