Amazing Grace

Growing up knowing who God was and what Christ did for me on the cross I had convinced myself consistently throughout my life that I was saved; I mean from the outside I appeared to be so I had to be. Everything within me however was fighting a battle of doubt and fear that was manifested in consistent questioning my own salvation and masking that fear through “good works” and “rededications”. As I got older I became more and more hardened to the possibility that maybe I wasn’t saved; I reflected back on my prayer as a young child and clinged to the false hope that somehow it was that prayer that had saved me; although I would have never said that, looking back it was that moment in time that I was holding so tightly too.



(I believe that the “ask Jesus into your heart” prayer is one of the greatest tools of deception from the Satan. It is through this “prayer” that hundreds of thousands if not more people have been swept into an eternity apart from Him because of false assurance that some prayer they prayed, most often at a young age or a huge event, saved them from the torments of God’s wrath; what a sad and disheartening lie that is. There is no magical prayer that saves you, it is a radical transformation from the inside out where by the grace of God draws you near through repentance (turning from self to God) and faith (betting your life on it) in His work on the cross. True salvation CHANGES your life. It is not merely external. You are extremely humbled as you realize your utter dependence on Him, but you are now capable through the Spirit to say no to sin and to press on towards holiness. True salvation changes your life!)



As I continued to grow up in the church my “love” for Jesus seemed to grow; I was involved in ministries, telling my friends about Jesus, and doing everything I could to be labeled the “good Christian girl”, but something was missing. My desire to please others was driving this external transformation that was only skin deep. Nobody could see the wickedness of my own heart, except for my parents who saw small glimpses of it as I would lash out in frustration at them regularly. I was playing a game with the Lord and deceiving myself. I wore a mask until I came into the comfort of my own home where I knew my family would accept me at which point I would remove that mask and become the true Vanessa; a selfishly depraved child who knew nothing of the radical transforming power of the grace of God. For ten years I lived the lie and yet for the grace of God I would have continued on. My heart only became more calloused to spiritual truths and numb to the Word, church and spiritual growth became routine in my life and there was emptiness within my heart that I couldn’t fill. What was worse was the pride within me would not allow myself to admit that I was lost and desperately in need of grace; I had checked off all the boxes: salvation, baptism, growth, etc.. I knew that you couldn’t loose your salvation but I always felt like I had, and I had no assurance that the day I died I would spend eternity with Him. C.H. Spurgeon once said, “If any man is not sure that he is in Christ, he ought not to be easy one moment until he is sure. Dear friend, without the fullest confidence as to your saved condition, you have no right to be at ease, and I pray you may never be so. This is a matter too important to be left undecided.” This was me; I was uneasy consistently and begging the Lord (in vain at many times) that he would please let me “go to heaven”.



And then one day, in May of 2001 God finally reached down and rescued me from an eternity apart from Him and showered me with His never-ending grace. I had known the Gospel and its power but I had never experienced it; I had known what it meant to be transformed and renewed but I had never had it; I had known what it meant that Jesus died on the cross for ME, but I had never trusted it; and I had known that you could find confidence in the hope of Calvary and the second coming but I had never possessed it. I was doing a Bible study with my mom when all of the sudden my heart seemed to be crushed. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” I was for the first time in my life truly repentant over my sin. I was broken by the fact that I could do NOTHING to earn my salvation and that all along I had been working for that entrance into heaven. I began to cry tears that I had never cried before and it was as if the heavy burden I had been carrying for years was finally lifted. Looking back I am so thankful for that moment in time, that clear picture in my mind that I can always reflect upon and thank the Lord for.



Since that moment I have been on what is a journey of sanctification that I am oh so thankful for. I love Jerry Bridges quote from Transforming Grace that says, “Progressive sanctification is subjective or experiential and is the work of the Holy Spirit within us imparting to us the life and power of Christ, enabling us to respond in obedience to Him.” And isn’t that the truth! I could have never fathomed the trials and blessings I have experienced 8 years almost ago when the Lord saved me; both enjoyable and painful. It seems as though His grace only becomes even clearer as I move on and I cannot even begin to thank the Lord enough for His transforming grace. I am very different then the girl I was 8 years ago and yet in spite of the growth and maturing the Lord has enabled me to do, I am still humbled daily as I reflect on who I am in regards to who Christ is. What is more, I am even more amazed by the fact that God uses me for His glory and kingdom!!



As I look forward to the years to come and all God has planned (Ephesians 2:10) in eternity past to accomplish through me I get more and more excited by the prospect of God’s glory continuing to be revealed through His working in all of creation!! I am so excited to see God transform lives for Him and to use me as part of it; it blows my mind. I don’t know where He will take me, but I know He has been preparing me, and will continue to do so, until He leads and that as I continue to seek Him, through His grace, He will make me more like Jesus until the day I get to meet Him face to face. “Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees.” (Psalm 119:135)